Because that's how I feel at this exact moment. Un.Luck.Ey.
I know I'm not supposed to, but I can't help but wonder- if I had never gotten engaged, planned a short 8 month engagement for a March wedding, would my mom have gotten the hysterectomy like Dr. Odom suggested over Christmas? Would she have decided to go ahead and get the DNC, but instead proceeded with the hysterectomy when the abnormalities were found? OR JUST GET THE HYSTERECTOMY LIKE ORIGINALLY SUGGESTED? If so- would we be facing this battle? Tears are streaming down my face as I type this... just as they were when I asked her the same questions earlier this afternoon. "You can't think like that Casey. If God wanted me to have cancer I would have gotten cancer regardless".
She wanted to feel healthy for her half marathon she runs every year and my wedding- a wedding that didn't. even. last. Which makes me even more sick to my stomach and blame myself even more. I know, I know "Casey this isn't your fault. Casey you can't blame yourself. Casey stop making this all about you. blah blah blah" but like, how could I not? It was MY wedding she wanted to be healthy for? I took vows in front of our friends and family and to God and he threw them out the window. If she had gotten the hysterectomy, the cancer wouldn't have had the ovaries to attach and grow in. We even discussed pushing the wedding date back, but I was on the fence about it and he "didn't want to lose money" on deposits. So as quickly as it entered our minds, it left.
I know how narcissistic I sound.. blaming myself, the wedding, all about me and it being my fault, should have pushed the date back. Do ya'll even know how much I loathe the mirrors in the foyer? I HAVE TO STOP AND CHECK MYSELF OUT. IT'S A PROBLEM. I am narcissistic there.... not even ashamed, because I know I've been caught :/ Patty even will poke me when she catches me... oops. Wish I could say I was wanting to stay pretty for Jesus, but that's a lie and I don't feel like getting struck by lighting at the moment. Jerry has enough on his plate.
I do know somethings that I'm thankful for today. Emily texts me everyday and we tell each other what we are thankful for. The other day, it was a real diet coke and not a Kroger brand because I could afford one. Today, it's Brooke Mitchell, Edie Hudson and Nelda Moore.
Brooke shaved down Cooper and Elvis for us yesterday. If anyone knows anything about Cavalier King Charles Spaniels, ya'll know the sweeping is involved. I actually don't know who's more thankful- me or Jerry. BEING A HOUSEWIFE IS HARD YA'LL AND I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO IT.
The picture with Cooper on the right is actually Tucker. Brooke and Jonathan bought one of Cooper and Hallie's puppies a few years ago. SO NOW HE'S CLOSE BY FOR US TO SEE ON OCCASION. He looks exactly like Baxter.... I can't even stand it. I haven't been able to get a good picture of naked Elvis, but when I do, rest assured- it will be posted. Because it's hilarious.
Today, Mrs. Edie, Mrs. Nelda, my mom and me had a fun girls spa day. SO THANKFUL for ladies that love and cherish my mom to make her feel beautiful. Tuesday we are going to Amy Head for them to show her how to contour her cheekbones to help with the hollowness. The ladies at Amy Head are just simply amazing. They did my makeup for my wedding and have long since been our go to cosmetic place. It's so nice when you walk in the door and they know you by name. I adore those ladies. Plain and simple.
I also work part time for the Mississippi Braves and had the pleasure of seeing my 10th grade English teacher Mrs. Diane Carr. That was a fun and nice surprise. I will never tire of seeing our former church members from Summit. I grew up there. Throwback to that Olan Mills church directory style family portrait.
This picture needs no explanation- other than the reason of why I was so chunky on the night of my high school graduation-thanks senior year of high school and my discovery of beverages only to be consumed by those over 21. I love these two people so much it can't be put into words and never will.
As for my Biblical subliminal message, I leave you with this...
Baxter wanted to be filled with the word. Literally.... so he ate it