Wednesday, March 4, 2015

So This Is Cancer?

I feel like this is some bad dream or alternate universe. Like my brain can't comprehend what's going on.. there's a wall blocking me from understanding what's happening and the severity of it all.

My mom has cancer.

It's a line from a tv show, movie, church member, friend or acquaintance. You think "oh my gosh how sad!" and pity the family who is tackling the disease and go on about your day. It's a "that won't happen to me" thought. If you have never been thrown in the "cancer world" (like myself) it's a whole new ballgame. A ballgame I didn't sign up to play in, but it's a ballgame we won't forfeit. All the medical jargon is messing with my game plan of how to win (just roll with me with the ballgame references for a minute, it's almost baseball season and I'm pumped). How will you beat your opponent if you don't understand how they succeed? It's like a sick game of Russian Roulette. The winner lives. The loser dies. But for my own sanity, I'm going to reference it as a "ballgame".

The strength that is exuding from my parents cannot be put into words. It's almost like you have to see it to believe it. I always knew what type of people they are, but this is a whole new perspective and respect I have for them both. To watch my dad lovingly tend to my mom is enough to bring a tear to your eye. I've always wanted a marriage like theirs... unfortunately I didn't have it the first time around, but as my dad keeps saying over and over "remain faithful". So that can be easily applied to my desire for a husband, such as he is to my mom, and also transcend to choosing to remain faithful to Him if God does not heal my mom.

I could pretend to be positive and say "it's not that bad, medicine has come so far, doctors know what they're doing, God wouldn't take my mom, it's going to be ok!" But it isn't. They don't always know what they're doing. God can take my mom, or any of us for that matter, at any moment. He wrote the book, so he knows the ending. However, I will faithfully pray for healing, of course, but I will also pray for strength, peace, courage, the ability to remain faithful, to not forget who's in control (because it isn't me, my dad, my mom or the doctors treating for her) and above all- for God to be glorified in this "process". Because that's what it is, a process, a journey... a fight for survival... to win.

The good news is, because Jesus has already won the ultimate battle- the war against sin- so has my mom. Padre is going to heaven! {Yes, I call my mom "Padre". Yes, I know it means father in Spanish. No, I'm not telling the story right now- I'll save that for later.} Even if she loses this particular battle against cancer, she's won the war, because Jesus won it for us all nailed to that cross. 

Over the years, my mom has constantly reminded me that Jesus never promised the road would be easy, that it would be without trials and tribulations or a smooth journey. I may never know why this is happening and that is going to be a constant struggle for me. I live in "Casey Land" 9 times out of 10 and never think bad things will happen (which is why my mom has been shoving kidnapping stories down my throat since I can remember in an effort to make me pay attention to my surroundings.. I still don't but, no one has gotten me yet?). So, for these circumstances to hit my family all at once it seems like, is unfathomable to me. I don't have the strength or wisdom like my parents and sister. This will be difficult for me to pray for peace that God's will be done, not my selfish wants. To remain faithful during a time of heartbreak. Because if there was ever a child yelling "that's not fair!" it was me. Loudly.

I don't know if I'm writing this blog for myself, or for those that care so much about my sweet parents. Regardless, it'll help us both. As far as her update today, my dad sent this early this morning:

"The goal for today is to walk a little. The reason for all the pain, is that she had a hysterectomy, two sections of her colon removed, appendix removed, lymph nodes removed, the entire omentum removed and cancer scraped from the bottom of her stomach. We are in good spirits though. Again, please no visitors at this time"

My dad has also developed a sinus infection and lost his voice (feel free to call or text me so he doesn't have to worry about his phone going off). He can't be close to her if he's sick so hopefully he will get over that quickly.

Thank ya'll for your continued prayers. This is something I never thought I'd have to deal with, but here we are. I titled the blog "We Are Not Home Yet" after the song by Steven Curtis Chapman (a favorite artist of my family's). I thought the lyrics and meaning of the song was appropriate.

To all the travelers, pilgrims longing for a home
From one who walks with you
On this journey called life's road
It is a long and winding road

From one who's seen the view
Dreamt of staying on the mountains high
And one who's cried like you
Wanting so much just to lay down and die
I offer this, we must remember this

We are not home yet, we are not home yet
Keep on looking ahead, let your heart not forget
We are not home yet, not home yet, not home yet

So close your eyes with me
And hear the Father saying, " Welcome home"
Let us find the strength in all His promises to carry on
He said, "I'll go prepare a place for you"

So let us not forget
We are not home yet, we are not home yet
Keep on looking ahead, let your heart not forget
We are not home yet, we are not home yet
Keep on looking ahead, let your heart not forget
We are not home yet, no, no

I know there'll be a moment, I know there'll be a place
Where we will see our Saviour and fall in His embrace
So let us not grow weary or too content to stay

'Cause we are not home yet
We are not home yet, not home yet

So let us journey on
We are not home yet, we are not home yet
So keep on looking ahead, let your heart not forget
We are not home yet, oh we are not home yet

So keep on lookin' ahead, let your heart not forget
We are not home yet, oh, we are not home yet
We are not home yet, we are not home yet, not home yet
We are not home yet, so let us journey on
Not home yet, we are not home yet