Saturday, March 14, 2015

Day 7- God Has Secrets

As I sit here with a heavy heart, I look down beside the bed and I see this....
The Sweet Life of Oliver
 After I smile and roll my eyes at his carefree, ridiculously relaxed sleeping position (#cavposing is the correct term for this pose on his Instagram account- this is a judgement free blog so, yes, I created an Instagram account for Oliver in order to connect with other cavalier owners and lovers across the world. 900+ followers and counting #lifegoals) I think, how easy is his life? I'm actually jealous of my dog. Not even ashamed by that realization or the fact that I openly admitted it to ya'll. There is never any uncertainty in any aspect of his spoiled life. He has nothing to fear because I will always be there to take care of him. The only time he is forced to be patient is when I'm scooping his breakfast into his bowl and the torture during the walk from the food bin to the bathroom is unbearable. That's the extent of his worries.

I'm about to be cliche and use the term #blessed for a minute... but how Oliver is #blessed to have me (I don't even care how that makes me look because it's true. He's spoiled and I don't even care) I've been #blessed to have certain people in my life in the exact moment I needed them. 

My Aunt Pam has been the biggest blessing. We have always been a close family, but recently she has been a shoulder to cry on and an ear to chatter away to, as well as talk me through things to better understand what's going on. I have a whole new respect and love for her. She is the calm in my storm and a gentle reminder that not everything is as it seems. I can 100% say I'm closer to her because of these last two weeks than I have been my whole life. 

Disclaimer: She may kill me for this photo, but I don't even care because she's adorable

Tori Gaskin is a true servant of God. Unfortunately, like myself, she recently went through a divorce. God put her in my life at the exact moment I needed her. We were able to relate to each other in a way others fell short, because we understood the pain. I hate that we share that experience, but I'm so thankful I have her. I asked her if she had a devotion book I could borrow and to bring it when she picked me up for the gym (the child is a beast and has me on an insane weight lifting plan... at least she's an accountability partner). She walks into my house with a bag, and apologizes it wasn't wrapped- Sherry your daughter is so proper- she went to the Christian bookstore and bought me my own devotional,
a journal (for "private blogs" and prayers), 

a Max Lucado daily calendar titled "You Will Get Through This" with every day verses for my desk at work

A Westie for Waffle
and... wait for favorite... book marks with puppies on them.
A Cavalier for Oliver

#cavitude #divabud

Courtney Welborn is my roommate, or I should say I'm hers. She so unselfishly and graciously invited me to live with her (fa free pwease and thank yew) while I'm getting back on my feet after my divorce and then losing my job (divorces are expensive ya'll). She has fed me, sheltered me and my ill behaved dog and constantly encourages me that God has not forsaken me....Not through my divorce, not through losing my job and now, not through my mom's cancer diagnosis. Sadly, this is another friend I have to share in this cancer journey. However, her journey was a positive one. Her mom was diagnosed with leukemia and has been in remission for the last 13 years. Oh, and she loves Oliver- which is really hard to do because he's such a diva.

L.B. Cowman wrote, "In the pathway of faith we come to learn that the Lord's thoughts are not our thoughts, nor His ways our ways. Both in the physical and spiritual realm, great pressure means great power! Although circumstances may bring us into the place of death, that need not spell disaster- for if we trust in the Lord and wait patiently, that simply provides the occasion for the display of His almighty power."
"Remember his marvelous works that he hath done; his wonders, and the judgements of his mouth" Psalm 105: 5

I am struggling with remembering all my blessings because I'm focusing on this dark cloud descending on my life and my family. God's hidden secrets that we are called not to fear, but be content and accept things I don't understand is like asking me not to pet a puppy I see walking by. Waiting patiently for him to reveal the "treasures of the unknown and the riches of the glory" of the mystery that is my mom's cancer diagnosis is like asking me not to eat pizza sitting in front of me. Those that know me know how much I love pizza and puppies.

This other verse really got me angry this morning, "Do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ" 1 Peter 4:12-13.

Uhhhh no I do not find it a privilege to have my mom diagnosed with cancer. Yes I am surprised something so strange is happening.. it's like if I ate junk food all the time and got super fat- I wouldn't be surprised I was fat.. that wouldn't be strange to happen, it'd be expected because I eat terrible. Cancer isn't something you expect and it's not a privilege you pray to have, but if so, pray that God will be glorified because you were selected for this.

I am desperately searching to feel the presence of God near me. I know the Bible says he is most near when I feel forsaken and lonely. However, It's like preaching to the choir. I know the correct answer, but it doesn't mean I practice what I preach.

Patty is getting up and about more. She has her puppies and her iPad of games. She is eating impressive amounts, but is in so much pain. She's legit about timing when to take her pain medicine. I'd be all "I CAN'T WAIT ANOTHER HOUR GIVE IT TO ME NOW". But she is so strong. We talked about all kinds of stuff last night- she is my best friend and it's been hard that I haven't had her to tell things to as she's been groggy. As I was leaving, in true Patty fashion, she couldn't resist getting up to pack me a bag of groceries from their pantry. I call it "Shopping in Patty's Pantry" because I can't afford to turn down free food! Or toilet paper.. she always sends me home with toilet paper. It's the simple things in life you don't think about, am I right?

I've said it every post, but thank you for every kind word of encouragement sent to me. I know ya'll are praying for my mom, but for you to tell me you are specifically praying for me as well- well, you are doing more than you realize for me.