Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Day 14- A Day of Love

I see you trying to be the StAr Jerry
The day Jerry discovered selfies was everything
So... as I've told Jerry many times before, this is MY blog. I update when I feel like writing, when I feel like I need to write or when I want to write. This is why I won't update everyday. This is my thing. I will ALWAYS write on anything new regarding my mom, that way specific prayers will be lifted up for her by name and cause.


She starts chemo this week. I can't imagine the emotions she has nor do I want to. I keep trying to give her some of my skinny clothes, but she won't take them. Pretty soon I'm going to stop offering and start praying I fit into them again!

She is feeling "great" (if that's even a word to use... and yes Jerry, I know she feels bad every day- but it's the best of the worst.... I will not bring your leaf blower back, help you cut the yard, have spend the night parties at your house or bring Oliver over anymore if you don't get out my grill- JK SHOUT OUT TO JERRY FOR FILLING UP MY CAR SATURDAY CUZ I AIN'T GOT NO JOB).


I had lunch with Diane Martin today. Mrs. Diane, I love you more and more and more with each phone call, text message conversation, lunch date and hugs at church. I'm almost positive her and Mrs. Bonnie are the ONLY TWO PEOPLE IN THE WORLD that will let me tell a whole "story" from start to finish without telling me to take a breath. I also think I'm crying because of that. No. I am now.

Cancer sucks (if I could figure out the trademark symbol on this macbook to put beside that phrase I would- me and Emily say it way more than we'd like).

Not having a job sucks.

Getting divorced SUUUUUCCCKKKKSSSSSS.

I was packing up my wedding china yesterday, and Mrs. Edie Hudson came inside to pick up my mom. Well, as timing would have it- I just started the first phase of a full on Casey Meltdown. When Leslie has them, we call them "having a Varsity". I'll tell that story later because it's freaking awesomely hilarious. But, my mom was encouraging ME (ridic) that the perfect job is out there.

I get so discouraged. Jerry takes care of me in a lot of ways (BOUGHT MY CAR TAG LAST WEEK ALL BY MYSELF HOLLA). So much so, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO BE AN ADULT SOMETIMES AND BEING AN ADULT IS FREAKING HARD. But. Out of all the ways he's "hindered" my abilities as an adult, he's made me have a job since I was 14. That's worth more than knowing how to grocery shop (judgement free zone here). So, not having a job is wearing on my very soul. Having a job, doing a good job, and impressing my boss is important to me. My work ethic comes straight from him (sorry Patty I hate housework... I can't do the housewife thing- that's harder than adulting it everyday).

So. Back to Mrs. Edie and my meltdown. Patty is used to them. Everyone who knows me well enough is used to them. She's encouraging me, I'm packing up my gorgeous wedding china, she starts chemo tomorrow and my lip quivers. I'm frozen. I hold my breath. She turns the corner and immediately says- "oh my gosh are you about to have a meltdown?" It wasn't funny, but now it is. It always is after, because it's so matter of fact. Meltdown time, huh? I just nodded. SO SHE FEELS THE NEED TO HUG ME. Like when it's meltdown time, don't touch me. don't hug me. don't pet me. don't even look at me. Well, sweet Mrs. Edie didn't know this. She walks in the front door and is all "NOOOOO WHY YOU CRYING" Patty is just like-"oh she's about to have a meltdown. Ready to go?"

I'm laughing as I type this. Because meltdowns are so typical in our family sometimes they're hilarious. We aren't just private with the public, but with each other. So when a meltdown happens- IT HAPPENS. I always try to fix everything myself. I've never just been brought to my knees in prayer to seek God's help in all these issues.

She just hugs me so tight encourages me even more. Which is just so. gah. I can't even put into words what it was, but this was my devotion that morning...

"But now, all you who light fires and provide yourselves with flaming torches, go walk in the light of your fires and of the torches you have set ablaze. This is what you shall receive from my hand: You will lie down in torment." 
Isaiah 50:11

Beloved, never try to get out of a dark place except in God's timing and in His way. A time of trouble and darkness is meant to teach you lessons you desperately need. Premature deliverance may circumvent God's work of grace in your life. Commit the entire situation to Him, and be willing to abide in darkness knowing He is present. 

He has shown his presence through these ladies that I wish I would have gotten to known long before these unfortunate circumstances happened. I CAN'T DO IT ALONE. I WILL FAIL. That has been my recent prayer. I have a control problem. I'm selfish. I like to do things myself (except the stuff Jerry does for me of course... Lord please send me a man half as good as he is). The whole "let go and let God" is a tough one for me. But- I don't really feel like lying down in torment, so maybe I should rethink that.