“Pass the Bottle” (again) by Jerry L. Smith, Ph.D (aka my dad)

I just couldn’t stop crying. Sometimes, I didn’t even know what I was crying about.  Was I crying for my deceased wife or was I crying for myself?  There was certainly no need to cry for her because she was no longer suffering.  I guess most of the tears were shed because I was feeling sorry for myself…feeling abandoned, and feeling isolated within the prison of my grief. But regardless of the “why” for the tears, they were all collected in God’s bottle. At least that is what is recorded in Psalm 56:8, “You have kept count of my tossing: put my tears in your bottle.” (ESV) King David penned those words while a POW in Gath. A prisoner of the Philistines. And assumably, someone that had leaky eyes too.

I got to the point that I was no longer ashamed of crying in front of people. My eyes frequently looked as if I had just come from a Cheech and Chong concert, but nothing could have been further from the truth.  I was just having a bad day, or a bad week, or a bad month, or even a bad 2 minutes! And according to the Bible, not a single one of those tears were wasted….they were all collected by God. Symbolizing His watchcare over me.

God doesn't just collect our tears, but He is emotionally moved by our tears. One example is when He was confronted by a grieving sister over the loss of her brother.  Mary, in a heap at the feet of Jesus, wailed, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died!” Verse 33 in the narrative of John 11 enlightens us on the reaction of Jesus to his good friend Mary’s terse comment, “When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.”  And two verses later, we read that even “Jesus wept.” So how can crying be so bad?

Jesus wept over the death of His friend Lazarus, He wept over the lostness of the Jews in Jerusalem. He wept when He prayed (Hebrews 5:7).

So why should any of us feel ashamed when our vulnerabilities are exposed through the transparency of our tears? Its just natural. Its an emotional release. And it certainly doesn’t go unobserved by a God that loves us and has empathy for our struggle.

God sees every bird that falls to the ground (Mt 10:29). God knows the number of hairs on our head (Luke 12:7). And God is aware of more than follicles and fowl, He is aware of the depth of the pain that you and I are experiencing when life delivers a “Sucker Punch!” So pour your heart out to Him and allow Him to minister to your spirit through His Word, His people, and His presence.

In Heaven, “There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”(Rev 21:4)…that will indeed be a great time. But until then, “cast your burden on the Lord and He will sustain you.” (Psalm 55:22) He has certainly sustained me!  The tears are not nearly as frequent as they used to be, but I still need His strength and power to live for Him each day. 

Even in the midst of all that I have gone through in the last 3 years, I am convinced that God is, without a doubt, A GOOD GOD! And I hope that you could believe the same, even though I know that you probably feel as if God’s bottle for you is full and overflowing! He is still there with you. Reach out and trust Him with your pain….He can handle it….I promise. Not because I read a book on it, but because I have lived it.

“Where’s Jerry?” by Jerry L. Smith, Ph.d (my dad)

When our group of cyclists would regroup at an intersection or stop sign, the group-leader would yell out to no one in particular, “Where’s Jerry?”

As one of the slowest in the pack, I was always coming up the rear. And since I was new to the group and didn’t know the routes, I always had someone looking out for me….for which I was thankful because riding with a group was brand new to me.

I had always exercised with Patty. From our early days of swimming before work at the YWCA on State Street in Jackson, we moved on to running and biking.  And other than the years when taking care of kids took most of her time and she couldn’t join me, we never exercised with anyone else….and neither did I until I found several groups of people last year that took me in and were always asking, “Where’s Jerry?"

It wasn’t just cycling groups. It was hunting groups. It was different church groups. It was a group of pastors. It was a group of people that had experienced the same tragedy that I had experienced; and they were all asking, “Where’s Jerry?” The support, encouragement, and prayers of these folks have helped me to find life again. Cause after Patty died, the line in John Cougar Mellencamps’s "Jack and Diane” was something that I was living.  He sang, “Life goes on, long after the living is gone,”….and my life was certainly going on, except now I was just existing instead of living. 

There were many months that even I didn’t know “where Jerry” was. I was at the hospital when our first grandchild was born 5 months after Patty passed, but I couldn’t find any joy in that moment of celebration. All I could think about was how spoiled she would have made “Baby Hayes."  I took my daughter on the camping trip that Patty and I took each Fall, and we came home early because it just wasn’t the same. I drove to church on Sunday mornings by myself after having my partner in ministry “ride shotgun” for 32 years (except those two churches where we walked to church because we lived in the parsonage…at those churches, I left early so I wouldn’t have to help with the kids! Ha). I had never pastored a church without her, and the only word that could describe how I felt is “weird.”  All of these instances, as well as many more, made me wonder who I was, where I was, and if I would ever be “normal” again.

And that's why I am so blessed! I would NEVER be as far along in this grief process without all those people that have asked,“Where’s Jerry?”

 I find joy in my ministry, friendships, family, and LIFE! None of that could be possible without all the people who cared!

 In the months since Patty’s passing, I have read enough books on “grief” that I should be awarded some kind of a degree! But though I have matriculated in area of life that registers as many dropouts as graduates, I feel that it was the “people” and not the “books” that had the greatest influence. It was the connection that I had with others that gave me strength…not unlike what happens with Sequoia trees.

The General Sherman Tree is the world’s largest living thing. Its’s a Sequoia tree located in the Giant Forest of Sequoia National Park in California. The strength of this tree, as well as the other Sequoia trees in the park, is found in the inter-connectedness of their root system. The roots of ALL the trees strengthen one another by intertwining themselves. They share nutrients, hydration, support, and stability. And the same can be true in each of our lives.  If we intertwine our lives with others, especially when they (or we) are struggling with the various issues of life, there will be a strength afforded us to continue to grow, thrive, and most importantly, SURVIVE!

"Hypocritical Funerals” by Jerry L Smith, Ph.D (my dad)

As I approached the pulpit, I thought, “I am about to reassure this family and all these friends that their loved one is in heaven….and I’m not even sure that I believe in heaven anymore.”

I must have preached 7-8 funerals in the 3 months after my wife’s death.  Each one was as painful as going down a slide of razor blades and landing in a pool of alcohol. I would be doing a little bit better and then I would be thrown back into confronting the issues of life and death. My pain was compounded because now I knew EXACLTY how this family felt in their loss. And after 11 years of pastoring the same church (now 13), I didn’t bury church members, I was burying my friends. When I would get a call that someone had died, I cried all the way to the hospital or their home. When I arrived, I did the best to follow my grandmothers advice after she switched me, “you better straighten up that face or I’ll give you something to cry about!” I knew what lay before these families and my heart grieved for all they would have to endure in the next few days.

They would have to contact family members. Songs and Scriptures would have to be picked out. Pictures would have to be perused to capture the essence of their loved one for the slide show at the funeral home or church. Pallbearers would have to be named, flowers ordered, clothes selected, and a grave dug (which costs $1750.00. Especially ridiculous if u have a church where half the members own backhoes!….but u have to use the cemetery’s gravedigger….which makes sense I suppose). And finally, they would get with me and share some thoughts about their loved one and give me a general idea for the direction of the service…and that direction almost always included their desire to have some comments about heaven.

I love to study. Even if I have preached a particular passage of Scripture before, I always go back and study the verses again as if its the first time that I have ever read them. And that's what I did for all those funerals that I preached.  I studied John 14. I studied 2 Cor 5 and 12. I studied Revelation 20 and 21. I studied Luke 16 and Philippians 1. 

And with each funeral, I was growing more and more convinced that heaven was for real! Not because of anything Todd Burpo said, but because of what the Holy Spirit was doing in my heart each time I deconstructed those verses! If you can visualize how the heart of the Grinch grew exponentially as he raced down the mountain towards Whoville, you can understand my elation when I felt like my heart of faith had been recovered, expanded, and restored! 

Henry Blackaby would say that I had a “crisis of faith.” I saw it as a crossroads for my future. I knew that if I couldn’t trust the Bible on what it said about heaven, then how could I trust it on any other topic/theme? And I have too much integrity to preach anything out of the Bible that I don’t first believe in my heart. I’m not saying that I have to completely understand everything in the Bible, but I certainly need to believe it….or else I’m out of job and my life has lost its rudder.

I don’t preach “Hypocritical Funerals” any more.  Now, when I say that the soul of a Christ-follower has transitioned up to heaven, I say it with the same conviction reflected in the words of Jesus when He declared to Nicodemus, “I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born again.” (John 3:3)

"Sucker Punched" by Jerry L. Smith, Ph.D aka my dad

When a reporter asked Mike Tyson whether he was worried about Evander Holyfield and his fight plan,Tyson responded, “Everyone has a fight plan until they get punched in the mouth!” Unexpected wisdom from someone that tattooed his face! But still a good life lesson.

My wife and I had a plan of serving God in the local church, having kids, and growing old together. But cancer “punched us in the mouth!” And it wasn’t even a legal punch….it was a “sucker punch!”  A sucker punch is defined as a punch without warning.  The Urban Dictionary calls it a “bitch punch.” A blow made without warning with disastrous results. 

After 32 years of marriage, my partner in theological education at New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary where I received both Masters and Doctor of Philosophy degrees, my partner in child-rearing, pastoring churches, exercising in Spin class, lap swimming, and running Half Marathons, was diagnosed with Stage 3C Ovarian Cancer. She was in Heaven 14 months later.

We had a plan until we got “punched in the mouth.” The plan was to serve Jesus in a local congregation, travel, grow old together, serve in mission endeavors, and spend as much time camping, running, and mountain biking and we could fit into our schedules….and hopefully have grandkids! Patty adored kids! She adored her kids, your kids, and kids in general! For example, when I needed someone to teach a Team Kid Bible Study in our mission church, Patty was the first to volunteer. She worked with the son of our mission pastor, Zach Davis, who helped her to keep these kids who were not “church broke” calm and organized so they could hear the Word of God.  Patty always made sure that she carried Zach a supper plate from the Wednesday night supper at our church (where she worked in the kitchen). She and this big, football playing, blue-eyed, curly haired brunette told a group of African-American kids about Jesus every Wednesday night. 

Patty was devastated when she heard that Zach had died in a one car accident on a Friday morning during his Senior year of High School. I will never forget standing with his parents in the hospital, Floyd and Kay Davis, as we identified Zach’s body. As I preached  his funeral, all I could see was kids filling the sanctuary and flooding into the streets outside of the church. He was a deeply religious young man who served the Lord and helped my wife as they shared the gospel as a team at New Hope Baptist Church.

I share this story to communicate how much she loved kids and how my family is not the only one that feels “sucker punched” from time to time. If we live long enough, every one of us will get popped in the mouth and sent to the mat. Some of us pop back up as if we weren’t even hit…too embarrassed for getting struck and hoping no one saw. These are the ones that act like the punch didn’t hurt and try to cover their pain with either pious platitudes or complete silence (if we don’t talk about it then maybe it didn’t really happen).

 On the other hand, some of us lay there as the ten-second count echoes  in our heads while we are trying to decide if its even worth it to try and stand up again. And though I got back on my feet (eventually), I often wondered if I should have just stayed down.

In future posts, I will share with you why I am glad that I didn’t stay on the mat, as well as some of the things that  have helped me to “live to fight another day."  The thought of the devil strutting around the ring with his gloves in the air claiming victory was something that I just coudn't allow to happen. I basically said the same thing that Patty and I said in the first 2 years of our marriage when we were contemplating divorce.

After struggling with our relationship in the early days of matrimony, we discussed divorce.  And the only thing that kept us together was our commitment to God.  Not so much to one another, but our commitment to God who we felt had brought us together. We just couldn’t dissolve our union and break His heart. It was our love for God that kept us together…..not our love for one another. So we started going to counseling, praying together, compromising, and working on our relationship with the help of the Holy Spirit. And throughout our 32 years of marriage, we often talked about what a mistake it would have been if we had not determined to honor God through our vows and allow Him to work in our hearts. We often thanked God in our prayer time together that He has given us such a “one flesh” relationship. 

And the same is true now in my situation.  I want to honor God and allow Him to work through this catastrophic event that has come uninvited into my life. And even though I have been “sucker punched” by cancer, I refuse to allow the death of my wife to define me or destroy me. I guess you could say that I am becoming a Phoenix!

Even If You Don't My Hope Is You Alone

I have such a heavy heart today. Actually, if I'm being honest, I've had such a heavy heart for weeks, months and now it's coming up on years. With each new coping mechanism I try, medication, exercise (which lasted all of a week), to professional therapy the result is the same. I'm sad. So now I'm learning to live with the grief and hoping happiness will make its way into my life again. I long for the day I can say "it is well with my soul". It just does not seem like that day is coming anytime soon. I have recently related to and obsessed over this new MercyMe song shared to me by my best friend Emily.

They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I'm losing bad
I've stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it'll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can't

It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well, good thing
A little faith is all I have right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

You've been faithful, You've been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You're able
I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul


Why does God keep allowing the pain of loss? It's so easy for Him to just say "enough" let this child have a break. My therapist asked me what I would do in a hypothetical situation that would be seen as yet another trauma, I laughed and said, "add it to the list". Apparently, humor is not the best coping mechanism. Whatever. I find it fine for now... I'm working on that.


It is my job to work closely with families here at the hospital, and today I had the opportunity to meet a family who lost their child last year. They raised a substantial amount of money for the particular hospital center that treated him. I can't help but be in awe of their strength because the last thing I want to do is go to St. Dominic's cancer center. It makes me physically ill to think about going in that infusion room again... much less raise money.


I've recently thought about how to answer people when they ask "how are we doing?" when I honestly want to be like "how do you think I'm doing?" But, I refrain, and politely say "ok". But the more articles I read on grief and how to grieve and the "proper" way to grieve the more I realize, I'll always grieve. It's just learning to live with it. How do you learn to live with such a hole in your heart? I don't know but again, I long for the day I can honestly say "it is well with my soul". Watching those parents today give so joyfully made me really think and stop throwing such a pity party for myself. Yeah, life is hard. Dying is easy. But, for some reason, I'm still here and there's gotta be a reason.

I've had the opportunity to help place a cavalier in his forever home a few weeks ago. The joy that opportunity alone gave me shown all over my face. Even if it is helping to rescue these crazy pups my mom so dearly loved, that's something.




April is going to be a hard month. For all of us. I miss my mom so much it hurts. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. I can't wait to see her again. I make sure there are flowers on her grave- even though she isn't even there. It's something small I can do... actually, it's so people know we love her. She would probably laugh and say don't you dare waste money on flowers. But I can't be seen as not caring, can I? ;) I still don't know how to grieve, but I'll let you know when I figure that out- if ever.

And Soon Your Grief Will Turn Into Joy (John 16:20)

Do you ever feel in the background? Whether it be a social situation, at work, with your own family and friends, or even to God's masterful plan?

How I feel right about now. It's been only one agonizing, short, insanely long, painful, torturous month since Padre left. She left. She left me. She left my siblings. She left my precious dad. She left her puppies. She left her church. She left this world. I am mad. I am so angry at God and I'm alright with admitting and sharing that emotion- hopefully someone else will take comfort in knowing they are not the only one to feel such a way. I miss my mom. I miss my mom so much. I can sit here and go on and on about how this was "God's plan" and His "timing is perfect", but I don't really feel like it... and I don't want this to turn into an angry post (and we all know how blunt I can be). So, the best way to describe how I feel is being in the background. I don't know what's going on or why it's happening(ed). I'm just watching it all take place. Screaming in silence. In the background. Helpless. Watching.

I went back into my devotional book to read the lesson on the day my mom died, April 24th. What would you have it the lesson is on faith and worry. I have little faith and I have a lot of worry- how appropriate.

My mom wrote us each a letter about a month and a half before she died. She hid them away in the bottom of a book bag that, by chance, I found so close to her passing. She told me to slow down and breathe. She told me how proud she was of me and how much she loved me and to trust God with my life. She told me it did no one any good by the amount of pressure I put on myself and the worry that ultimately overtakes me. She had also mentioned in her journal, that if her cancer brought her children closer to Christ, then it was all worth it.

What a sacrificial way of thinking... a mother's way of thinking.

I don't know when my grief will turn into joy. I don't know when I'm going to finally pray that prayer of faith and be able to walk away feeling weightless and truly casting all my anxieties onto the Lord. I don't know when I will be accepting of the idea of her leaving or the actual reality of her being gone. I may also never see this side of heaven why she left.

Until I am able to turn my grief into joy...

Faith is being... certain of what we do not see (Hebrews 11:1)

I do know one thing- my mom is in heaven rejoicing at the foot of the throne of the One who promised us that through Him, we will spend eternity together. So until He returns or calls ME home, here in the power of Christ I'll stand. Because only THROUGH HIM am I made strong, and then my mom's prayers will have been answered.

Why is it that God leads us in this way, allowing such strong and constant pressure on us?

Because, one of His purposes is to show us His all-sufficient strength and grace more effectively than if we were free from difficulties and trials.

I get that... I really do. I just wish our difficulty and trial didn't involve cancer.

"We have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us" (2 Cor. 4:7).

Another purpose is to bring us a greater awareness of our dependence upon Him. Again, I wish our awareness to be brought didn't involve cancer. God is constantly trying to teach us how dependent we need to be on Him- to remind us that we are held completely by His hand and be reliant on His care alone.

This is exactly where Jesus Himself stood and where He desires us to stand. We must stand not with self-made strength, but always leaning upon Him. We can't dare take one step alone- that will teach us to trust Him more.

There is no way to learn of faith except through trials.... even the worst ones. They are God's school of faith... I wish I had already passed that class so I could have avoided the cancer class test. I know learning to trust him will lead to a better life that is full of enjoyment and without trust in Him even great riches will leave us in poverty.

I don't want to be rich. I just want my mom. I can learn to trust and rely on him.... I feel like I have in entrusting him with her care and his power to heal. But, he didn't choose to do that and I'm mad. I'm sad. I love my mom so much. How can it be just one simple line of "trust in God to have a better life full of enjoyment"? When my enjoyment consists of having my mom. I don't understand the trials of sickness and suffering- not only is the individual tested but the whole family and all those that are around them.

I pray glory is brought to the Lord out of all this, because I don't see it through my clouded vision of anger and sadness. I wish I had the peace my mom does, but she's leaving me behind and going to a better place. I'm stuck here. With me being stuck here, I have no choice but to be aware of the dependency I need to have on Him. To rely on his strength. This is teaching me to be dependent- I just wish it had been another way.

Every conversation, phone call, text message and time spent together is treasured. It's hard to think about this might be the last time we do this or what if we never see that person again. It's the worst way of thinking, but it's our reality.

Why must I weep when others sing?
     "To test the deeps of suffering."
Why must I work while others rest?
     "To spend my strength at God's request."
Why must I lose while others gain?
     "To understand defeat's sharp pain."
Why must this lot of life be mine
When that which fairer seems is thine?
     "Because God knows what plans for me
           Will blossom in eternity."

I pray for strength and peace, because I feel as if I have neither. I pray to accept this next turn of events without my mom being by my side and that I can make her proud, even when she isn't here. I pray to learn to depend on God and become aware of how much I need him for strength. Because without that, I am nothing and worthless. I don't want to be that person. I want to make my parents proud.

Good Lord, Where Are You?

If You really do exist,
       why don't You come out of hiding and
            do something about this creature in distress (me)

I am physically weary
I am mentally depressed
I am spiritually defeated
I can't eat, can't sleep.
I am like garbage
          discarded refuse in the back alley;
         like yesterday's newspaper,
              shuffled around by the wind.
I feel like some sort of zombie,
        some nonentity,
        some nothing that people,
                 if they acknowledged me,
             would only curse.
I eat crow and drink gall.
Now even You have tossed me aside
      like some moth-eaten garment
          that no one could possibly want.

But the prophets have proclaimed Your name,
       and the Scriptures declare Your mercy,
       and the saints pass on Your promises.
You do reign over our world, they say.
       You do show concern for the poor clods of this earth
Good Lord, prove it!
Look down from wherever You are
       on Your creatures wallowing in wretchedness
Deliver us, O God, set us free!

I must take comfort in Your everlastingness-
        that You, who outlive seasons and centuries,
                who have blessed the saints of the past,
            can also care for Your servants
               in this fearful hour.
For Your years have no end
         nor do the lives of those who trust in You.



I just can't shake this abandonment feeling. There's never been a Valentine's Day where I haven't gotten a dozen roses. That changes this year. Instead of wallowing in self pity over a guy- All I can think about is how much I'm going to miss my mom. This excerpt from a book Leslie let me borrow on Psalms was just dead on with how I'm feeling right now.

I am physically weary. I am mentally depressed. I am spiritually defeated. I am like garbage. I feel like I'm being kicked while down because of the friendships that haven't shown up for me... making me feel alone. Patty is my best friend so when she's gone- I'm alone.

If God has his eye on the sparrow, then he has his eye on me. Therefore, I am not alone. THEN WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I AM. I'm having a hard time taking comfort in His everlastingness. My years will have no end as long as I trust in Him... which means Patty's years will have no end because she trusts in Him. No doubt about that. Even though Patty is almost home, I'm not. I am not home yet. So I have to keep looking ahead and let me heart not forget that I am not home yet (Thanks Steven Curtis Chapman for making your lyrics sound like I just wrote that all philosophically) I may not get over this lonely feeling today and when I do it'll be time for it to come back again because I won't have my mom to lay on.... but Lord help me when it returns. Because I can't do it alone.

It's OK to Cry

Did ya'll know that? It's ok to cry? I didn't... until last night.

The hospice nurse had just left and I was in my room pretending to put up laundry, but really sobbing out of self pity. I wanted to try and stop before I went back out there and watched another Housewives of (insert city here) on Bravo. But then I realized, no. Patty deserves to know how I feel. So I tried to stop, but couldn't. I wasn't going to let my tears keep me from spending time with my mom.

So I went. I quietly laid down beside/on her and let out a sobbed. She quietly stroked my hair and back and just let me lay there. No words were needed. We both knew. I just muttered "I'm going to miss you so much" and she responds with "But I'll always be with you". It's true. She will. I am the spitting image of her- from the way I look, dress, mannerisms and our made up words we swear are in the dictionary. I am a mini Patty.

My dad comes home and takes one look at me and says- dude. you look awful. Patty to my rescue- leave her alone Jerry she's upset. See... who will I have to be my protector? Jerry has no filter when it comes to telling me how I need to tighten up. Patty does it very subtly. Such a guy that Jerry.

I go to sleep and start my crying process all over again. I text Kathleen- is it ok to be angry? Her response- of course it is. Me- will I still have you when it's over? Kathleen- I'll never leave you

Much like Kathleen, God will never leave me. I feel as though so many friends have drifted away as my mom has gotten sicker, but again, like Kathleen, God has not. I feel as though he has and through her he reminds me he's still here. He has not forgotten me nor forsaken me. He never promised this life would be easy and not filled with trials and tribulations. Well this is the greatest trial and tribulation of my 28 year old life because my mom is someone I aspire to be and someone I can't make a decision without. I love her so much.

Tara Stigall texted me last night- the GA's want to plant a tree in honor of my mom for Earth Day on church grounds. I told Patty and we instantly burst into tears. The girls thought of this on their own. To have faith like a child is something I desperately want. She loves planting things in our yard and doing her flowerbeds... they didn't even realize their decision was so SPOT ON to her likeness. I'm so overwhelmed by others love for my mom I almost can't comprehend it.

Just like Jesus has love for me. There isn't a minute that passes by that I am so overcome with grief, loneliness and abandonment. Our family isn't complete without her. I have very few people to lean on. I miss her already. But I have to keep remembering- God has a purpose. I am not alone. He has not abandoned me. I need to focus on turning my grief into joy and be the hands and feet of Jesus.

So This is Hospice?

This is the post I never hoped to write. The battle is ending and we did not win. We have won the war, but not the battle.

I cannot even begin to put into words how much I love my mom. She is my best friend. She is my go to person. She is everything.

People keep saying we are praying for strength, peace etc. But, I'm just trying to get out of bed and make it to work on time. If I don't cry on the way there- that's an accomplishment. Then I look at my mom, the "bad patient" as I call her. She refuses to tell us when she's hurting or feeling sick... scared she will miss out on something. Who has that kind of strength? She does. A silent sufferer in Christ.

She always tells me to be the hands and feet of Jesus every morning before work. I don't know how I'll be able to head off to work without hearing those words. I just sit and cry and cry- hopefully hidden from her ears so she doesn't know the amount of suffering I am going through. I want it to be about her and comfort her- but in reality SHE KNOWS WHERE SHE'S GOING. It's me that's getting left behind. I'm so angry at her- leaving me behind. There's so much I don't know how to do, so many things I have to ask her and she won't be there. How could she do this to me?

But then again, how could she pass up the opportunity to go home? I'd choose my Heavenly Father over this war torn Earth any day. So it's me that has to get it together and make sure she knows it's ok to choose not to continue treatment. It's ok to want to go home. You've taught us well. We know how to be those hands and feet of Jesus you ingrained in our daily life.I don't know who's going to tell me I look fat in an outfit now- but I'll make do. She's been my biggest cheerleader through my divorce and my job lay offs. The shred of confidence I have left is because of her. Every time someone says "you look just like your mom!" I take it as a compliment, what 52 year old looks like that? I mean seriously?

Jerry is going to have to learn to love our cavaliers like we do... Troop has to continue sleeping in his bed. We are going to have some sad babies once she's gone. We continue to joke that Jimmy Ruth the cat may find himself playing in the woods just to get Patty riled up... don't worry Jimmy isn't going anywhere. Jerry tried TWICE to haul him off and the stinker kept coming back. He's earned his keep.

Finally.... We want her to live out her final days in as little pain as possible surrounded by family and friends and puppies. Only God knows when a person’s time is up on this earth so we are trusting His timing in Patty’s life. When her time comes, she will be ready. She has loved and served Jesus since she was a child; and that love and devotion to Jesus has enabled her to withstand the greatest suffering that I have ever seen another person endure…she is truly an example of a “suffering servant” as described in Isaiah 53.

She is by far the greatest woman I have ever known.

Israel's Only Savior (and mine)

43 But now, this is what the Lord says—
    he who created you, Jacob,
    he who formed you, Israel:
“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the Lord your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I give Egypt for your ransom,
    Cush and Seba in your stead.
4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
    and because I love you,
I will give people in exchange for you,
    nations in exchange for your life.
5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you;
    I will bring your children from the east
    and gather you from the west.
6 I will say to the north, ‘Give them up!’
    and to the south, ‘Do not hold them back.’
Bring my sons from afar
    and my daughters from the ends of the earth—
7 everyone who is called by my name,
    whom I created for my glory,
    whom I formed and made.”

8 Lead out those who have eyes but are blind,
    who have ears but are deaf.
9 All the nations gather together
    and the peoples assemble.
Which of their gods foretold this
    and proclaimed to us the former things?
Let them bring in their witnesses to prove they were right,
    so that others may hear and say, “It is true.”
10 “You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord,
    “and my servant whom I have chosen,
so that you may know and believe me
    and understand that I am he.
Before me no god was formed,
    nor will there be one after me.
11 I, even I, am the Lord,
    and apart from me there is no savior.
12 I have revealed and saved and proclaimed—
    I, and not some foreign god among you.
You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord, “that I am God.
13     Yes, and from ancient days I am he.
No one can deliver out of my hand.
    When I act, who can reverse it?”

As I'm coming up on my (depressing) 28th birthday next week, I constantly need to be reminded that God has not forgotten me, and my story is far from over. Just as he told Israel he was their only Savior, I have to remember he is also mine.

Day 18: When Doctors Don't See A Way, GOD CAN FIND A WAY

I'm currently sitting in the parking lot at Renaissance while on my lunch break. I literally have no words for what I'm about to type other than what I'm going to say....

I'm walking out to my car to take my lunch break later than usual and see a text from Patty regarding her cancer cell count. I tell her to call me because I'm in my car and can talk to her. She calls. Through squeals of laughter and excitement, she tells me the doctor just called her with the cancer count numbers from her lab results from yesterday. After her initial surgery to remove as many of the cancerous cells possible, 3 chemo treatments and the power of prayer, her numbers are almost to the cancer free total. We are keeping exact numbers private, but I will say she began this process in the 4 digit count, dropped to 3 digits after surgery and is now in the double digits.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to pray. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I have chills and am in shock at what this actually means. This is surreal to be so close this soon. So, I pull over and sit here in the parking lot and absorb what is going on and write. I put on my iPod and the first song to play is Big Daddy Weave's "Overwhelmed". God had my prayer of praise and thanksgiving in a song because I can't even think straight.

We just squealed over the phone how God still has plans for her on Earth and so many people are praying for her and He does hear our cries to Him. I'm convinced He will allow her many more years on this Earth because there's a whole lot of adulting I don't know how to do without her. I cut my finger with my pocket knife two nights ago (no judgements) trying to open something that required a different tool entirely, not the pink Swiss Army pocket knife Jason gave me as a last minute defense mechanism to put on my keychain. I saw blood and immediately ran to her room freaking out saying "WHAT DO I DO IT'S BLEEDING! I CUT IT WITH MY POCKET KNIFE! HELP ME!" She's on the phone with my aunt, looks at me like "really? I'm on the phone and you're 27" takes one look at it and tells me to go find Jerry to look at it, to which he responds with "I don't know Casey go show your mother". This is a typical response from Jerry. I don't even know why I tried for something different because he jokes that Patty is the "glue" of our family. She is what keeps us together. He wouldn't know what to do with "us kids" if anything happened to her... example A with my sliced finger.

Turns out I'm completely fine and it's like barely a paper cut, but still... blood and knives are scary and will continue to be so no matter how old I am.

Side note: Jerry has packed me a lunch 3/5 days this week. It's been awesome and I will go into further details later when I have more time than my quick 30 minute lunch break.

Jerry can be the glue too- if you can believe it you can achieve it Jerry! You pack those lunches and be that glue too!

PRAISE THE LORD FOR PATTY'S NUMBER'S IN THE MEANTIME