Wednesday, February 10, 2016

So This is Hospice?

This is the post I never hoped to write. The battle is ending and we did not win. We have won the war, but not the battle.

I cannot even begin to put into words how much I love my mom. She is my best friend. She is my go to person. She is everything.

People keep saying we are praying for strength, peace etc. But, I'm just trying to get out of bed and make it to work on time. If I don't cry on the way there- that's an accomplishment. Then I look at my mom, the "bad patient" as I call her. She refuses to tell us when she's hurting or feeling sick... scared she will miss out on something. Who has that kind of strength? She does. A silent sufferer in Christ.

She always tells me to be the hands and feet of Jesus every morning before work. I don't know how I'll be able to head off to work without hearing those words. I just sit and cry and cry- hopefully hidden from her ears so she doesn't know the amount of suffering I am going through. I want it to be about her and comfort her- but in reality SHE KNOWS WHERE SHE'S GOING. It's me that's getting left behind. I'm so angry at her- leaving me behind. There's so much I don't know how to do, so many things I have to ask her and she won't be there. How could she do this to me?

But then again, how could she pass up the opportunity to go home? I'd choose my Heavenly Father over this war torn Earth any day. So it's me that has to get it together and make sure she knows it's ok to choose not to continue treatment. It's ok to want to go home. You've taught us well. We know how to be those hands and feet of Jesus you ingrained in our daily life.I don't know who's going to tell me I look fat in an outfit now- but I'll make do. She's been my biggest cheerleader through my divorce and my job lay offs. The shred of confidence I have left is because of her. Every time someone says "you look just like your mom!" I take it as a compliment, what 52 year old looks like that? I mean seriously?

Jerry is going to have to learn to love our cavaliers like we do... Troop has to continue sleeping in his bed. We are going to have some sad babies once she's gone. We continue to joke that Jimmy Ruth the cat may find himself playing in the woods just to get Patty riled up... don't worry Jimmy isn't going anywhere. Jerry tried TWICE to haul him off and the stinker kept coming back. He's earned his keep.

Finally.... We want her to live out her final days in as little pain as possible surrounded by family and friends and puppies. Only God knows when a person’s time is up on this earth so we are trusting His timing in Patty’s life. When her time comes, she will be ready. She has loved and served Jesus since she was a child; and that love and devotion to Jesus has enabled her to withstand the greatest suffering that I have ever seen another person endure…she is truly an example of a “suffering servant” as described in Isaiah 53.

She is by far the greatest woman I have ever known.