Friday, February 12, 2016

Good Lord, Where Are You?

If You really do exist,
       why don't You come out of hiding and
            do something about this creature in distress (me)

I am physically weary
I am mentally depressed
I am spiritually defeated
I can't eat, can't sleep.
I am like garbage
          discarded refuse in the back alley;
         like yesterday's newspaper,
              shuffled around by the wind.
I feel like some sort of zombie,
        some nonentity,
        some nothing that people,
                 if they acknowledged me,
             would only curse.
I eat crow and drink gall.
Now even You have tossed me aside
      like some moth-eaten garment
          that no one could possibly want.

But the prophets have proclaimed Your name,
       and the Scriptures declare Your mercy,
       and the saints pass on Your promises.
You do reign over our world, they say.
       You do show concern for the poor clods of this earth
Good Lord, prove it!
Look down from wherever You are
       on Your creatures wallowing in wretchedness
Deliver us, O God, set us free!

I must take comfort in Your everlastingness-
        that You, who outlive seasons and centuries,
                who have blessed the saints of the past,
            can also care for Your servants
               in this fearful hour.
For Your years have no end
         nor do the lives of those who trust in You.

I just can't shake this abandonment feeling. There's never been a Valentine's Day where I haven't gotten a dozen roses. That changes this year. Instead of wallowing in self pity over a guy- All I can think about is how much I'm going to miss my mom. This excerpt from a book Leslie let me borrow on Psalms was just dead on with how I'm feeling right now.

I am physically weary. I am mentally depressed. I am spiritually defeated. I am like garbage. I feel like I'm being kicked while down because of the friendships that haven't shown up for me... making me feel alone. Patty is my best friend so when she's gone- I'm alone.

If God has his eye on the sparrow, then he has his eye on me. Therefore, I am not alone. THEN WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I AM. I'm having a hard time taking comfort in His everlastingness. My years will have no end as long as I trust in Him... which means Patty's years will have no end because she trusts in Him. No doubt about that. Even though Patty is almost home, I'm not. I am not home yet. So I have to keep looking ahead and let me heart not forget that I am not home yet (Thanks Steven Curtis Chapman for making your lyrics sound like I just wrote that all philosophically) I may not get over this lonely feeling today and when I do it'll be time for it to come back again because I won't have my mom to lay on.... but Lord help me when it returns. Because I can't do it alone.