Tuesday, March 8, 2016

Why is it that God leads us in this way, allowing such strong and constant pressure on us?

Because, one of His purposes is to show us His all-sufficient strength and grace more effectively than if we were free from difficulties and trials.

I get that... I really do. I just wish our difficulty and trial didn't involve cancer.

"We have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us" (2 Cor. 4:7).

Another purpose is to bring us a greater awareness of our dependence upon Him. Again, I wish our awareness to be brought didn't involve cancer. God is constantly trying to teach us how dependent we need to be on Him- to remind us that we are held completely by His hand and be reliant on His care alone.

This is exactly where Jesus Himself stood and where He desires us to stand. We must stand not with self-made strength, but always leaning upon Him. We can't dare take one step alone- that will teach us to trust Him more.

There is no way to learn of faith except through trials.... even the worst ones. They are God's school of faith... I wish I had already passed that class so I could have avoided the cancer class test. I know learning to trust him will lead to a better life that is full of enjoyment and without trust in Him even great riches will leave us in poverty.

I don't want to be rich. I just want my mom. I can learn to trust and rely on him.... I feel like I have in entrusting him with her care and his power to heal. But, he didn't choose to do that and I'm mad. I'm sad. I love my mom so much. How can it be just one simple line of "trust in God to have a better life full of enjoyment"? When my enjoyment consists of having my mom. I don't understand the trials of sickness and suffering- not only is the individual tested but the whole family and all those that are around them.

I pray glory is brought to the Lord out of all this, because I don't see it through my clouded vision of anger and sadness. I wish I had the peace my mom does, but she's leaving me behind and going to a better place. I'm stuck here. With me being stuck here, I have no choice but to be aware of the dependency I need to have on Him. To rely on his strength. This is teaching me to be dependent- I just wish it had been another way.

Every conversation, phone call, text message and time spent together is treasured. It's hard to think about this might be the last time we do this or what if we never see that person again. It's the worst way of thinking, but it's our reality.

Why must I weep when others sing?
     "To test the deeps of suffering."
Why must I work while others rest?
     "To spend my strength at God's request."
Why must I lose while others gain?
     "To understand defeat's sharp pain."
Why must this lot of life be mine
When that which fairer seems is thine?
     "Because God knows what plans for me
           Will blossom in eternity."

I pray for strength and peace, because I feel as if I have neither. I pray to accept this next turn of events without my mom being by my side and that I can make her proud, even when she isn't here. I pray to learn to depend on God and become aware of how much I need him for strength. Because without that, I am nothing and worthless. I don't want to be that person. I want to make my parents proud.