Did ya'll know that? It's ok to cry? I didn't... until last night.
The hospice nurse had just left and I was in my room pretending to put up laundry, but really sobbing out of self pity. I wanted to try and stop before I went back out there and watched another Housewives of (insert city here) on Bravo. But then I realized, no. Patty deserves to know how I feel. So I tried to stop, but couldn't. I wasn't going to let my tears keep me from spending time with my mom.
So I went. I quietly laid down beside/on her and let out a sobbed. She quietly stroked my hair and back and just let me lay there. No words were needed. We both knew. I just muttered "I'm going to miss you so much" and she responds with "But I'll always be with you". It's true. She will. I am the spitting image of her- from the way I look, dress, mannerisms and our made up words we swear are in the dictionary. I am a mini Patty.
My dad comes home and takes one look at me and says- dude. you look awful. Patty to my rescue- leave her alone Jerry she's upset. See... who will I have to be my protector? Jerry has no filter when it comes to telling me how I need to tighten up. Patty does it very subtly. Such a guy that Jerry.
I go to sleep and start my crying process all over again. I text Kathleen- is it ok to be angry? Her response- of course it is. Me- will I still have you when it's over? Kathleen- I'll never leave you
Much like Kathleen, God will never leave me. I feel as though so many friends have drifted away as my mom has gotten sicker, but again, like Kathleen, God has not. I feel as though he has and through her he reminds me he's still here. He has not forgotten me nor forsaken me. He never promised this life would be easy and not filled with trials and tribulations. Well this is the greatest trial and tribulation of my 28 year old life because my mom is someone I aspire to be and someone I can't make a decision without. I love her so much.
Tara Stigall texted me last night- the GA's want to plant a tree in honor of my mom for Earth Day on church grounds. I told Patty and we instantly burst into tears. The girls thought of this on their own. To have faith like a child is something I desperately want. She loves planting things in our yard and doing her flowerbeds... they didn't even realize their decision was so SPOT ON to her likeness. I'm so overwhelmed by others love for my mom I almost can't comprehend it.
Just like Jesus has love for me. There isn't a minute that passes by that I am so overcome with grief, loneliness and abandonment. Our family isn't complete without her. I have very few people to lean on. I miss her already. But I have to keep remembering- God has a purpose. I am not alone. He has not abandoned me. I need to focus on turning my grief into joy and be the hands and feet of Jesus.