Friday, February 12, 2016

Good Lord, Where Are You?

If You really do exist,
       why don't You come out of hiding and
            do something about this creature in distress (me)

I am physically weary
I am mentally depressed
I am spiritually defeated
I can't eat, can't sleep.
I am like garbage
          discarded refuse in the back alley;
         like yesterday's newspaper,
              shuffled around by the wind.
I feel like some sort of zombie,
        some nonentity,
        some nothing that people,
                 if they acknowledged me,
             would only curse.
I eat crow and drink gall.
Now even You have tossed me aside
      like some moth-eaten garment
          that no one could possibly want.

But the prophets have proclaimed Your name,
       and the Scriptures declare Your mercy,
       and the saints pass on Your promises.
You do reign over our world, they say.
       You do show concern for the poor clods of this earth
Good Lord, prove it!
Look down from wherever You are
       on Your creatures wallowing in wretchedness
Deliver us, O God, set us free!

I must take comfort in Your everlastingness-
        that You, who outlive seasons and centuries,
                who have blessed the saints of the past,
            can also care for Your servants
               in this fearful hour.
For Your years have no end
         nor do the lives of those who trust in You.

I just can't shake this abandonment feeling. There's never been a Valentine's Day where I haven't gotten a dozen roses. That changes this year. Instead of wallowing in self pity over a guy- All I can think about is how much I'm going to miss my mom. This excerpt from a book Leslie let me borrow on Psalms was just dead on with how I'm feeling right now.

I am physically weary. I am mentally depressed. I am spiritually defeated. I am like garbage. I feel like I'm being kicked while down because of the friendships that haven't shown up for me... making me feel alone. Patty is my best friend so when she's gone- I'm alone.

If God has his eye on the sparrow, then he has his eye on me. Therefore, I am not alone. THEN WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I AM. I'm having a hard time taking comfort in His everlastingness. My years will have no end as long as I trust in Him... which means Patty's years will have no end because she trusts in Him. No doubt about that. Even though Patty is almost home, I'm not. I am not home yet. So I have to keep looking ahead and let me heart not forget that I am not home yet (Thanks Steven Curtis Chapman for making your lyrics sound like I just wrote that all philosophically) I may not get over this lonely feeling today and when I do it'll be time for it to come back again because I won't have my mom to lay on.... but Lord help me when it returns. Because I can't do it alone.

Thursday, February 11, 2016

It's OK to Cry

Did ya'll know that? It's ok to cry? I didn't... until last night.

The hospice nurse had just left and I was in my room pretending to put up laundry, but really sobbing out of self pity. I wanted to try and stop before I went back out there and watched another Housewives of (insert city here) on Bravo. But then I realized, no. Patty deserves to know how I feel. So I tried to stop, but couldn't. I wasn't going to let my tears keep me from spending time with my mom.

So I went. I quietly laid down beside/on her and let out a sobbed. She quietly stroked my hair and back and just let me lay there. No words were needed. We both knew. I just muttered "I'm going to miss you so much" and she responds with "But I'll always be with you". It's true. She will. I am the spitting image of her- from the way I look, dress, mannerisms and our made up words we swear are in the dictionary. I am a mini Patty.

My dad comes home and takes one look at me and says- dude. you look awful. Patty to my rescue- leave her alone Jerry she's upset. See... who will I have to be my protector? Jerry has no filter when it comes to telling me how I need to tighten up. Patty does it very subtly. Such a guy that Jerry.

I go to sleep and start my crying process all over again. I text Kathleen- is it ok to be angry? Her response- of course it is. Me- will I still have you when it's over? Kathleen- I'll never leave you

Much like Kathleen, God will never leave me. I feel as though so many friends have drifted away as my mom has gotten sicker, but again, like Kathleen, God has not. I feel as though he has and through her he reminds me he's still here. He has not forgotten me nor forsaken me. He never promised this life would be easy and not filled with trials and tribulations. Well this is the greatest trial and tribulation of my 28 year old life because my mom is someone I aspire to be and someone I can't make a decision without. I love her so much.

Tara Stigall texted me last night- the GA's want to plant a tree in honor of my mom for Earth Day on church grounds. I told Patty and we instantly burst into tears. The girls thought of this on their own. To have faith like a child is something I desperately want. She loves planting things in our yard and doing her flowerbeds... they didn't even realize their decision was so SPOT ON to her likeness. I'm so overwhelmed by others love for my mom I almost can't comprehend it.

Just like Jesus has love for me. There isn't a minute that passes by that I am so overcome with grief, loneliness and abandonment. Our family isn't complete without her. I have very few people to lean on. I miss her already. But I have to keep remembering- God has a purpose. I am not alone. He has not abandoned me. I need to focus on turning my grief into joy and be the hands and feet of Jesus.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

So This is Hospice?

This is the post I never hoped to write. The battle is ending and we did not win. We have won the war, but not the battle.

I cannot even begin to put into words how much I love my mom. She is my best friend. She is my go to person. She is everything.

People keep saying we are praying for strength, peace etc. But, I'm just trying to get out of bed and make it to work on time. If I don't cry on the way there- that's an accomplishment. Then I look at my mom, the "bad patient" as I call her. She refuses to tell us when she's hurting or feeling sick... scared she will miss out on something. Who has that kind of strength? She does. A silent sufferer in Christ.

She always tells me to be the hands and feet of Jesus every morning before work. I don't know how I'll be able to head off to work without hearing those words. I just sit and cry and cry- hopefully hidden from her ears so she doesn't know the amount of suffering I am going through. I want it to be about her and comfort her- but in reality SHE KNOWS WHERE SHE'S GOING. It's me that's getting left behind. I'm so angry at her- leaving me behind. There's so much I don't know how to do, so many things I have to ask her and she won't be there. How could she do this to me?

But then again, how could she pass up the opportunity to go home? I'd choose my Heavenly Father over this war torn Earth any day. So it's me that has to get it together and make sure she knows it's ok to choose not to continue treatment. It's ok to want to go home. You've taught us well. We know how to be those hands and feet of Jesus you ingrained in our daily life.I don't know who's going to tell me I look fat in an outfit now- but I'll make do. She's been my biggest cheerleader through my divorce and my job lay offs. The shred of confidence I have left is because of her. Every time someone says "you look just like your mom!" I take it as a compliment, what 52 year old looks like that? I mean seriously?

Jerry is going to have to learn to love our cavaliers like we do... Troop has to continue sleeping in his bed. We are going to have some sad babies once she's gone. We continue to joke that Jimmy Ruth the cat may find himself playing in the woods just to get Patty riled up... don't worry Jimmy isn't going anywhere. Jerry tried TWICE to haul him off and the stinker kept coming back. He's earned his keep.

Finally.... We want her to live out her final days in as little pain as possible surrounded by family and friends and puppies. Only God knows when a person’s time is up on this earth so we are trusting His timing in Patty’s life. When her time comes, she will be ready. She has loved and served Jesus since she was a child; and that love and devotion to Jesus has enabled her to withstand the greatest suffering that I have ever seen another person endure…she is truly an example of a “suffering servant” as described in Isaiah 53.

She is by far the greatest woman I have ever known.