They say sometimes you win some
Sometimes you lose some
And right now, right now I'm losing bad
I've stood on this stage night after night
Reminding the broken it'll be alright
But right now, oh right now I just can't
It's easy to sing
When there's nothing to bring me down
But what will I say
When I'm held to the flame
Like I am right now
I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well, good thing
A little faith is all I have right now
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul
I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
You've been faithful, You've been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You're able
I know You can
I know You're able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You'd just say the word
But even if You don't
My hope is You alone
It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul
Why does God keep allowing the pain of loss? It's so easy for Him to just say "enough" let this child have a break. My therapist asked me what I would do in a hypothetical situation that would be seen as yet another trauma, I laughed and said, "add it to the list". Apparently, humor is not the best coping mechanism. Whatever. I find it fine for now... I'm working on that.
It is my job to work closely with families here at the hospital, and today I had the opportunity to meet a family who lost their child last year. They raised a substantial amount of money for the particular hospital center that treated him. I can't help but be in awe of their strength because the last thing I want to do is go to St. Dominic's cancer center. It makes me physically ill to think about going in that infusion room again... much less raise money.
I've recently thought about how to answer people when they ask "how are we doing?" when I honestly want to be like "how do you think I'm doing?" But, I refrain, and politely say "ok". But the more articles I read on grief and how to grieve and the "proper" way to grieve the more I realize, I'll always grieve. It's just learning to live with it. How do you learn to live with such a hole in your heart? I don't know but again, I long for the day I can honestly say "it is well with my soul". Watching those parents today give so joyfully made me really think and stop throwing such a pity party for myself. Yeah, life is hard. Dying is easy. But, for some reason, I'm still here and there's gotta be a reason.
I've had the opportunity to help place a cavalier in his forever home a few weeks ago. The joy that opportunity alone gave me shown all over my face. Even if it is helping to rescue these crazy pups my mom so dearly loved, that's something.
April is going to be a hard month. For all of us. I miss my mom so much it hurts. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. I can't wait to see her again. I make sure there are flowers on her grave- even though she isn't even there. It's something small I can do... actually, it's so people know we love her. She would probably laugh and say don't you dare waste money on flowers. But I can't be seen as not caring, can I? ;) I still don't know how to grieve, but I'll let you know when I figure that out- if ever.
